Immaculate empathy

I         stroke         her         soft         white         hair
She       smiles        and         grabs       my       hand
Licks     the     sweat     off,     kisses      it      tenderly
I   stroke   her   her   breath   jumpstarts
Sparks in eyes shes burning so hot
webecomeoneforabriefmoment
onesoultouchesanother
passionatebloodrushesthroughmyveins
neverhaveieverseenapersonsoclose
iindulgemyselfinhershessoindulging
halt
We         embrace         and         we         fall         asleep

In and away.

I'm happy she didn't ask me with whom I had my lunch today.
I'd be ashamed to say "no one".

Since I came here I seem to be falling down, imploding into the labyrinth of my own mind.
And it's not only a maze; it's also a safehouse, just as any maze is.

Indoor, inbrains, in never rains.
Weather is always the same.
Things change less inside.

If the house owner dies, or moves away,
The house still stays.

And so it is with a man and his world.
When the world moves away,
We're left with nothing but our minds.

Minds that shine as bright lighthouse.
Lighthouse that warns you; you would crash, if you ever approached the coast,
coast of reality.

A stumble.

I have discovered StumbleUpon.
It fascinated me; the content it found for me fascinated me.
However, It made me feel much less special about myself.
I don't think that's a good thing - not now.
When all my self-esteem fizzles away, like it did during past few days,
-when I fully realize the distance from my world, when I realize social awkwardness doesn't just disappear as time goes,
then I'll hit rock bottom.

Some humbleness is necessary for me.
Self esteem is like grass; it's beautiful - if it weren't present, there would be just mud. But as it grows, it grows ugly. It needs to be trimmed. Yet trim carefully - you still want to have something when you're done.

Trust me, if you will, on this one.
There's one thing I need more than a beer and a walk through the night.
A hug. The most advanced weapon to tell the bad guys "go fuck yourself".
Yet never, never would I regard it as a weapon.
Just the very opposite.

Someone said: "All poems are about love or death."
I thought; and now I ask you. Aren't these the exact opposites?
I hope I'll get to develop this idea sometime. It's very important to me.

Hey, is this the other way?

"Were you warned"
I hear in my head these words play.
"When you came to USA?"
I hate today.
I pray I could lay.
Say, is ceiling gray?

Imma shoot y'all down. Because I can.

I find this rather fitting the situation I am finding myself in.

America is a country that loves itself.

Most European countries like to make fun of themselves, or simply hate themselves.

Sure, you'll find a couple ol' patriots and nationalists in every country. But the national pride just works the best in USA.

That is in a way a great thing. People need something to be proud of.

However, there is a problem to it; it prevents them from seeing the actual issues. There are some very fine things about USA, but there's a lot of bad stuff too. Particularly, almost everyone owning a gun is one of those problems. 

I mean - I get it. You need a gun to protect yourself. It makes sense for you to be able to get a gun because of that, right?
Well, NO.

If you make getting a gun easy, every other criminal can buy it now absolutely without problem. And shoot people with it. And so increasing the demand for guns - so people could defend. But they go nuts and attack someone. It happens all the time here. It's a vicious circle. Back in CZ you can stab someone. It's a very violent yet effective way of dealing with problems. That is pretty much the same like guns. However, there's a lot smaller chance that you will kill someone by stabbing them than shooting them. If a person with a knife gets into a choleric rage and stabs someone - ok, they're badly injured. When the knife-holder realizes what a terrible thing he's done, he'll call the ambulance and there's very solid chance the victim will be cured perfectly. With a gun - if the victim is not dead on the spot I'd say they can call it a lucky day.

Now there has been some medial buzz around that recently (shooting at Batman premiere, remember? Well, there's been a lot of other shootings you may not have heard of), but it will fade out when the news is not hot. There's not so many activists that would fight for making gun laws more strict. People just don't care about the wrongs around them so much here. They either choose to ignore them or accept them as they are. Which, again, might be a good thing (you can find an activist for every little piece of bullshit in EU), but it may also prove to be crippling any political or social development.

Deserving; a capital or a capital punishment?

The strangeness of this world overwhelms me at all times.
There's only one reason I can think of.

The values of society, personal values and hopes and dreams of people - it's all set in a wrong way.

And the problem is - it's set nationwide, backed up by laws, not possible to change.
back in Europe I know people who value success, education, art, content life, happiness, experience, and money. It's the healthy mix that makes the world go round.
Well, it's just not like that in USA. The capitalism is omnipresent and it contains everything else. You want education? Pay up! Art? Nothing is for free, dove!

It just shouldn't work like that. No one here would ever look at themselves and say: " Do I deserve all of this? What have I done to deserve it?" that is, of course, unless they're poor. Which is, ultimately, a simple equation.

Poor = bad.
Poor person = bad person, not valuable at all.

I've seen many poor doctors, skilled teachers, some chemists, most artists back in CZ. I don't think I'll find much of that here. And I don't consider it such a great thing. Money spoils people. I've simply seen too many poor and happy people to ever believe in power of capitalism.

You could call me naive, but that would essentially only prove how limited your view of the world would have to be.
There are some things I'm certain of.
And as much as there are advantages to having the "American dream", which is basically a certain value that is pretty much standardized, still the diversity of Europe with its closer connection to both reality and the world of dreams wins my heart. And now I don't think that is just personal. I imagine - if all the world realized this, wouldn't it be a much better place?

Fade out, fade away. I wish I'll fade in once again.

Things won't ever be like they were, isn't it so?

I have to say; I've never had a greater time like the last half year. It must've changed me for good.

I know now that there are no evil people.
I learned that things actually can be perfect.
I will never be ashamed for what I create again.

I have realized that the world is actually very sad. Only a small and limited number of people are happy. And why, how, do I deserve to be one of such few?
I don't really care.
I'll still try to do my best, to live to the full. And feeling that you do the best you can is way better, than to be told you do what you should.

There is much absurdity in the world. But when you feel loving arms around you, it seems so distant, not important, not real even.


Not much that I have before me. So much that I will miss. Just the people I've met lately. I am so lucky, yet so unfortunate. I got something and made it mine, just to leave it afterwards. And if it were my choice now, perhaps I wouldn't leave here at all.

It's "only" half a year, but it feels like leaving for ever. As if I never was to return.
And never being able to return would be probably the most painful thing I could live through. If something happened to me, something bad, then the perpetrator would be the most villainous individual in this space and time.

Because loving is just as important as being loved. Or even more important, even.