Alan Wake blew my mind.

This thing stroke me down when I didn't expect that.

I thought I'll look into it, but I hadn't expected much. A PC port of some 2 years old Xbox game, whatever, they say it was quite good, why not?

In the end, I spent whole last weekend and today trying to finish off this darling.
And I am amazed.

Most of the gamers play games purely because of the enjoyment of the gameplay itself. But shooting people might tend to bore a seasoned player I consider myself.
And so, quite a long while ago actually, I started to try to focus on the storytelling. Because gaming, I believe is the ultimate storytelling medium. Things can come alive, you get sucked directly into whatever's happening. You don't just dream a world like with books, you don't just look at it either, like in movies. You can manipulate it. And that feels powerful.

Shamefully, gaming is as well the youngest genre of entertainment industry and so it's the least evolved, mature. It's not so startling to say, that game script writers haven't learned how to do their job yet. Everything is so focused on giving the player all he needs, whilst the world seems otherwise dead, and the dialogues and everything seem constructed.

And that's where Alan Wake comes in. And it shines in every part of this multimedia adventure. The storytelling is dazzling, using innovative way to make the story flow. I especially liked having glimpse of what will come through the manuscript pages you find. It will keep you expecting and you sure won't be disappointed. Music does a wonder as well. Again, not a typical classical music score, but rather orchestral elements mixed with modern rock prevail. Battle scenes have to be classical, since no other genre can bear such tenseness and thrill, but song at end of each episode always keeps you looking like someone just hit you with a bag of stones to the head. Gameplay, though I liked it the least, is perfectly balanced to keep you at the verge of heart-attack at all times. And finally, the graphics. The play of light is just gorgeous. The landscape of American Northwest is simply stunning as well; don't recall seeing such beauty in any game before. How the land shapes is very emotional; you get to the same cabin at the very beginning and at the end of the last DLC and even though it's still the same place, at the beginning it feels serene and lovely, however at the end it is a grotesque, vile and vicious place no one would want to get near.

And the end of the story? Well, I don't want to be spoiler, but it's truly great, more than I wished for. I've hated many games for how they end; especially ones with open world, that doesn't change a bit after the main plot ends and I hated to see NPCs completely unaffected by my heroic deeds. Here, the ending is epic. And just as lyric! It leaves place (just as the whole game does, considering games are the most specific media) for imagination and will keep you  begging for meaning. And so, thousands have joined to invent the craziest of theories and using the most trivial details and the most complicated logical presumptions the game has to offer, they have shown how they can appreciate surely one of the greatest adventures in history of gaming.

Asylum of dreams

The dying summer breeze touches my hair,
as I watch the city dying in the dusk.
Another day ends and hands over the scepter to the night,
for it to rule in a dark and tranquil time.
And I rave between the worlds of mine and all's.
I keep my dearest in the dreamy planes of my head.
For they could not be so dear, if they were real,
such love would be abysmal and haunting.
The warmth of summer caresses my back,
I see particles of dust in the bright light,
crawling between the leaves of trees.
I turn around and stare into the sun.
It feels grand, but hurts - like life.
I wish for the moment to stay forever,
And I wish for those dearest of mine to come out of the dream,
to sit next to me, lean over my shoulder, and stare into the sun.
We would be so close, yet so different.
I'd want to stay and lay and pray,
but they'd want to play, and roll over in the grass.
And I, imbued with the strength of the sun,
would come along and jump higher.
And when we'd gotten tired,
We'd unwrap the table cloth upon ground and sit again;
behave like a lovely family at a dinner in the dusk.

But there's no place on earth where I could find such peace.
and that's why I retreat,
to the shelter of the dream-weaver.

Out of our minds and into our hearts, standing by.
It's the best we can do.

Look at me

What the fuck am I doing here?

It's 3:00 AM, 25th of February 2012.

I am lying in my bed, horrid thoughts won't let me sleep.
I don't want to; because I know I'll have another work to do when I wake up.

I have a bad taste of cigarettes and beer in my mouth.
And black and white memories in my head.
And I don't see further than 30 minutes ahead of me.


---
3:04. I'm sitting in a corner, hugging my legs.
Like the mental patients in movies, the kind that makes you feel sorry for them.
Contemplating about past and future.
But I don't even know what to do about the present.


---
I am exhausted of telling myself I'm the good guy.
One girl said I'm just faking it to be popular.
I'm not, that I'm sure of.
But maybe; I'm just telling myself I'm good. As a consolation.
I have sinned and I have fucked up.
Question is; does it get balanced by any good I've done?

And the hope does not lead to disappointment.

Every single episode makes me fall in love with it all again;

the ultimate tale of dedication, love and sacrifice.

Shamefully, only few like love in a barren place better than pies and rainbows and whatnot.

I'm sick of utopian hopes and dreams.
You need to dream bittersweet. And know, it's the best you might get.

Sad thing about MTV

The MTV never changed.
The climate of mainstream music changed.
MTV just follows the stream.
That makes it little less grotesque and more terrifying.

Two ways

There are two ways of showing dedication to a good cause: temperament and wisdom.

Re-listening  song Hunger by Shirley Manson and Serj Tankian that they made for Amnesty international got me thinking; what could possibly bring such two absolutely different people together?

Shirley, true humanist person, though the hard way she keeps her shit together and even reaches out to help others.

And on the other hand Serj, wild Armenian ass (and that’s animal comparison, not physical evaluation), self-declared one eyed in the land of the blind, with his high-pitched „lalala“ fighting against ignorance, with ideas even members of NWOO wouldn’t have to be ashamed of.

And yet, despite the ridiculous difference in their opinions, they unite to serve the same cause – humillity. Shirley knows her tears are just drops in the sea, Serj expects his spark to set the whole forest afire, but whatever they think; they do just fine.

You don't need to be drunk to have to sober up.

I wonder.

If you'd ask a random person in relationship whether what would they prefer... dying or break-up, what would it be?

Because eventually it all comes down to that.


And hey, if you didn't want to die by his side, breaking up is the best thing you could have done.

(Am I talking to people who don't even know this blog exists here again? Oh. Nevermind then.)
(Remember the hope posts/poems? Still think they're one of the best things you can find here. Or for me atleast - I can imagine what I had in mind when writing it more clearly than the goddamn classroom I go to everyday. But well, they have all to do with this post. Actually, they're the complete opposite. Which is making me feel like jerk now. You know, it doesn't really correlate with my definition of love).

no words necessary

The taste is bittersweet

After my overjoy yesterday evening the reality stroke me, when I learned more about the trip to US.

My father told me few months ago he won't pay for this trip of mine.
However, he said he'll ask around in his job if they couldn't arrange it somehow. Their company is based in US after all.

Now this trip to Atlanta for half year I have been promised to is obviously what the company put together.
Little did I know, though, that they were to start a plan to educate "future of [company name]" which is basically kids of their employees. And I am, so to say, a testing subject.

Now I can't help but think; who is going to get most out of this thing; who is it aimed for? Me, my father, or the company?

It oughtta improve my father's standing in the company.
The company will become more attractive for potential employees and they'll fulfill one of their goals - education. You know how most of corporations have some kind of values they pursuit? Yeah, this exactly.
And I...I seem to be nothing but a test subject. I will have no ground to build on, I'll have to bash my head through everything in the way. And act exemplary during so.

And I don't want to spend half year, especially one I was hoping for and looking forward to so much, merely representing some corporations interests.
Neither I want to owe them something. Just the worktitle of the program...future of the company? I have no intention of ever working there and I am absolutely clear about that. Don't want to be obliged to do anything for them.
I don't even want to be an exemplary case. My actions are not exemplary according to most peoples', especially not Americans. I just do what I deem best, not trying to be understood by all.

This is a great opportunity for me, but I feel kind of conflicted, because in the back of my head I get this tingly sense of being exploited to reach someone else's goals. And hell, that is an awful idea. Plus from what I know about myself, it's likely if this actually appeared true, I'd sabotage those goals and be blamed afterwards rather, than to just serve as a tool to someone I don't respect and don't wish to be working for.

Dammit, this won't even let me sleep.

oooh yeaah.

I'm going to the fuckin US of them A!
A certain prestigious high school in Atlanta.
Awww yeah, this is good.
Very good indeed...
DAMMIT! I almost started doubting...

The law, justified.

Ok, I’ve been planning to write this down for quite long and since it’s the valentine’s day and all that shit…

I present you:

THE REDHEAD PROTECTION LAW

The Consortium of Men decided that the natural redheads are almost always beautiful (only man in opposition was Petr Kaftan, so shame on his head!). Problem has however appeared with the invention of hair dye indifferent from natural hair. The exclusivity of red hair decrased rapidly; since naturally 5 % of populace has red hair, every % more damages the perfect natural balance. This law is made to preserve this wonder of nature and to control the number of artificially coloured redheads.

-The law allows red hair dye only to be sold at specialized pharmacies and only to be sold to a customer who is in possession of special form of prescription, the ITT (I’d tap that) certificate.

-ITT certificate will be issued by newly founded police force “Fashion police”. This new unit has two tasks to fulfill; apart from issuing ITT certificates it is required to hunt down anyone who decides to wear socks in sandals. Punishment for such crime is community service in form of mandatory visit to designer outlet store.

-“Fashion police” task force must establish in every county a CCMDT (committee of civilian men with decent taste) committee. Members of committee will be picked randomly from visitors of porn websites. “Fashion police” must also establish a list of high-quality porn websites, on which the pick will be executed. Members of CCMDT will then decide whether applicant is worthy of being allowed to become a redhead. The applicant must present herself fully clothed and is forbidden to use any charm that doesn’t belong in her daily behaviour.  Committee will also subject the applicant to conversation in the best intention of examining her mental capacity. We ain’t wanting no dumb redheads, right?

-In case of CCMDT committee failing to complete the given task, its faulty members’ man cards will be revoked. In extreme cases they will be banned out of all porn sites and their access to sex shops and porn movie rentals will be restricted. This will prevent freaks getting out of hand.

-Redheads will be prevented from acting in explicit sexual scenes and their naked photos or footages will be illegal to publish.

- N-FAGis (Nice forever alone girls) will be specially permitted to dye their hair with one week dyes only and not more than once a year in intention of pairing them with N-FAGus (nice forever alone guys). The characteristics of nice are determined by reliability, willingness to help others, good intentions and nice smile. N-FAGis who are currently friendzoning someone will not be permitted to dye their hair at all, unless the man who they are friendzoning is a freak or morbidly obese. If he is fulfilling at least 2 of those conditions (friendzone, freak, morbidly obese) he will be punished in way analogical to that in which CCMDT committee members are punished upon failing.

-Men will not be allowed to dye their hair at all, unless they fulfill any of these special terms: gay, punker with Mohawk, a hair-dying bet that was made when drunk. If a hair-dying bet was made when sober, man’s man card will be revoked. 

Not gonna bother you with my shit.

February 14th, you know what that means!
Good luck today, girls and boys!
Be happy, so I can be happy for you.

a tragic flaw.

Some of us have this ability,

Or is it rather a curse?

Of making ourselvles exceptionally sad.

It has something to do with anxiety about what’s important.

Usually, people get stressed out over daily problems.

That’s just pointless – and stressing.

I always did freak out real hysteric style about things I care about.

And that all, at absolutely random times.

We all have our „hey, why don’t you remember every stupid shit you’ve done in your life. That would be just so… demeaning“.

But I, tend to regret things that I’ve done less than things I didn’t do.

And, when I finally do the things I regretted I haven’t done, I either screw it up royaly or I regret I’ve done them.

And there goes my keeping cool head.

Seems I can only keep my head cool while solving others‘ problems.

Perhaps, that is why I like solving others‘ problems that much?

Feeling whole?

The Worlds Collide

The holiday is, when another world comes.

I always put little crosses to vacations in my planning diary.

Because on these days, I live in a whole different world.

I have a free week ahead of me.

Sleeping into late morning, skiing all the afternoon and watching movies and playing videogames in the evening, is what I’m going to get used to.

And though it may be great and comfortable, it feels a little bit dull.

No crisis to solve. I’m not used to that.

Only something fake can appear trouble-free.

And I’d rather live in the great noir world, than in pink prison.

3G is my salvation.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...
Or in a car actually...

The mountains are expecting me - better not leave them waiting.

BTW: Amalur turned out quite nice. Surely a valid candidate for best RPG of the year.

You're mine

When you can't even walk and yet, the meaning is so close at hand. The meaning of life. So close, yet so far.

Happiness is passing. I felt it for a while. Now, I should get back to life I have.

When everything is great; nothing is more loud than your laughter,
How rare is that?

How rare do you wish it would be?




You're mine. It's meant.





I spent my evening caring about them two. What are the results I said? Don't bother her, I said.
I needn't her to love me; I know I love her; I want her to be happy; what more is there to it?

And the other one, I wish she could be happy. But she tries not to be. I try for her to be. I don't know, it's chaotic.

I'm not alone

From the dark bedrooms of amateur typewriters and bored teenagers.
Usually, no wisdom comes from their heads.
Quoting Snoop Dogg on facebook is their intellectual effort at its' utmost.

But then, hidden in the crowd, there are the thinkers.
The observant, I'd say.

What do I mean with observant?

It's people who can make their own opinion.
And how rare feat that is!
To be observant is not to remember what was the colour of the sweater your teacher was wearing today.
It is the power, to take only what you deem important from what they say.

It's to not be sheep; to decide what you want to know on your own.
It's not to follow all the guidelines, but rather to make your own, better, fitting.

There are only few.

Trying to normalize is a feat of totalitarian regime.
And, just like totalitarian regime it denies any sense of creativity and free will.
Denies human rights, even.

Diversity is our aim.
...well mine at least.

The band is going to town!

Ok, this year's merry for concerts, I tell ya!
But what caught my eye the most are not the RHCP, nor Metallica, not even them Black Sabbbath.
It's the BLACK BOX REVELATION.

Ladymen and gentlies!

I present you: Jan Paternoster.

Why is Jan Paternoster so cool?
1) He is from Belgia. And Belgians are fuckin' cool.
2) He plays guitar.
3) He's got a beard.
4) C'mon. Jan Paternoster. Just the name itself is damned cool.
5) He can play a kick drum and guitar at the same time, becoming a band on his own.
6) I told you he's cool. Solely that makes him cool.
7) He thinks he likes you. How many people told you that, recently?

Doubt, once again.

Good people and their good intentions will always be doubted.
And I ask: what kind of people doubts others?
It is perfectly okay to doubt yourself, but telling others they're fake it wrong.

And I've always thought such people are cynic and mean.
But maybe they're not.
Maybe it's nice guys who were disappointed and gave up.

I find it motivational; don't give up.
Don't doubt the others.
They're all cool.

Hopes & Dreams

I should forget them.
I should stop chasing them.

I can never reach my hopes and dreams,
even though I've set myself such, that I could fulfill.

I rely on them too much.



I could be happy on my own.

1000

1000 views.
I has it.
And I'm by far not as excited as I should be.
I hope at least someone there is.

An Eden

There is a place my mind keeps returning to, when my thoughts wander off.
It's a place I've created myself. No one can imagine it.

It's the landscape from this "poem" of mine:
http://city-jungle-beats.blogspot.com/2012/01/hope-bridge-between-haven-and-hell.html

I think, I'm not sure, but I think so,
that I wrote it during a lucid dream.

Because if you are extremely tired, lucid dreams can be inducted without actually losing your conscience, falling asleep.

But I'm sure of one thing; if was one of the most beautiful things I've seen.

"It's better for the girls to be alone, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them"
-Anita, age 9.

Might we just be getting somewhere? A higher than literal meaning, perhaps?

Does my mind hold the key?

Today has led me to reconsider who I am and for what I stay.

It will never be all "sunshine 'n' bunnies". I never want it to be.
But hey, at least the bunnies would be nice.
I don't like sunshine anyway, I'm a night creature.

Desperate?
No, I mustn't be, I must prove myself better.
I'm in a magic circle. 'Cept it ain't that magic: I am desperate for someone, but my desperation prevents me from being with someone.

But one thing I'd hate than to be desperate, is to be a cheap shit.
I don't have to be cheap, just 'cause I'm poor.
I want to prove I'm good, not just brag about it.
I am not looking for one night stay; I want a lifetime.

So now I'm lying here,
contemplating,
about my future.

They said I've been sad lately.
Just about since I started this blog.
I am proud of what I did here,
but I must not let it destroy me.

Thinking is painful, but I don't wanna stop thinking.
Question is; can I afford to keep thinking?

No, I won't stop.
This little unimportant piece of cyberspace I grew attached to too much to abandon it now.
Seems there's no escape, is there?
I am saddened by the reality.
Why isn't there an alternative one?

In moments like this, I hope for a stupid, simple life.

But it's not all easy.
Someone's gotta go through the rough.
And I'm willing to. I'm brave enough to.
I just cannot doubt anymore.
Can't afford THAT.

Doubt is good.
If it's healthy doubt.
And it just isn't anymore.
It turned out to be a world of pain.

I can't love who I can't love.
And is there anyone I could love?
It's the problem I've been struggling over recently.

I'm getting bored with my usual life.
Usual is hurting.
I want to move on.
I try to.
You're no good for me.
But I hope I can be good for you.

If I can't help myself, I'll help at least someone else.
I'll make someone happy.
And be happy myself, that I made them happy.

In history, there always was a part of elite that grew bored with their lives. In medieval timus, such people went into monasteries. In Tzar Russia, these noblemen invented Russian roulette and killed themselves. Today, centre of this way of live is Hollywood. But it's not exclusively it. We all look for a purpose. And when everything around is dirty and stained with evil, it's hard to find one.

I have strong opinions, but they are starting to seem wrong.
I never expected this.
I don't know what to do, how to act.

Just freak.

Wow. That guy really is a creep. I always suspected so, somehow.


Full update soon. I promise!