Does my mind hold the key?

Today has led me to reconsider who I am and for what I stay.

It will never be all "sunshine 'n' bunnies". I never want it to be.
But hey, at least the bunnies would be nice.
I don't like sunshine anyway, I'm a night creature.

Desperate?
No, I mustn't be, I must prove myself better.
I'm in a magic circle. 'Cept it ain't that magic: I am desperate for someone, but my desperation prevents me from being with someone.

But one thing I'd hate than to be desperate, is to be a cheap shit.
I don't have to be cheap, just 'cause I'm poor.
I want to prove I'm good, not just brag about it.
I am not looking for one night stay; I want a lifetime.

So now I'm lying here,
contemplating,
about my future.

They said I've been sad lately.
Just about since I started this blog.
I am proud of what I did here,
but I must not let it destroy me.

Thinking is painful, but I don't wanna stop thinking.
Question is; can I afford to keep thinking?

No, I won't stop.
This little unimportant piece of cyberspace I grew attached to too much to abandon it now.
Seems there's no escape, is there?
I am saddened by the reality.
Why isn't there an alternative one?

In moments like this, I hope for a stupid, simple life.

But it's not all easy.
Someone's gotta go through the rough.
And I'm willing to. I'm brave enough to.
I just cannot doubt anymore.
Can't afford THAT.

Doubt is good.
If it's healthy doubt.
And it just isn't anymore.
It turned out to be a world of pain.

I can't love who I can't love.
And is there anyone I could love?
It's the problem I've been struggling over recently.

I'm getting bored with my usual life.
Usual is hurting.
I want to move on.
I try to.
You're no good for me.
But I hope I can be good for you.

If I can't help myself, I'll help at least someone else.
I'll make someone happy.
And be happy myself, that I made them happy.

In history, there always was a part of elite that grew bored with their lives. In medieval timus, such people went into monasteries. In Tzar Russia, these noblemen invented Russian roulette and killed themselves. Today, centre of this way of live is Hollywood. But it's not exclusively it. We all look for a purpose. And when everything around is dirty and stained with evil, it's hard to find one.

I have strong opinions, but they are starting to seem wrong.
I never expected this.
I don't know what to do, how to act.