Ok.
So much happened to me during last two days. For the good and bad.
First I got to know my score in evaluation for exchange trips to foreign countries is just below the line - I had 110 point, minimum was 120. All of my work during last four years felt fruitless. Just fucking 10 points. How surreal is that? I got to know this yesterday.
Also, my autistic friend about whom I'll sure write sometimes seems to be getting kicked out of school.
He got to know that yesterday.
Also, I don't have ANY cash for this Christmas. Seems like I'll have to starve just to have some money left for presents. So what, I'm used to starving. I never have real lunches anyway.
Today, however, brought change, brought light.
In the morning, my father discussed with me the events that lead to having such not-good score. Exact opposite of what I needed, I must say. You can imagine how excruciating it is for me, to taste major failure in events that really change my life for the first time. I never was a "leader of the pack" or a "draft animal of the class", but when I cared about something, I always managed to push myself to the limit. Not this time however, which is a thing that undermines my self-consciousness in a most painful way. And my father repeating what all I fucked up is just what brought the inner storm to surface, so to speak. Oh gawd, I hadn't had cried this much since I was thirteen or so. Ok, maybe I did cry like that 2 months ago, but I was drunk and depressed in a long-term. Only reason I'm not so depressed anymore is, I just don't have time to be depressed.
But to not demonize my father, he really quite stepped up and thanks to him (and the god), he somehow managed to get me a deal: I have to prove the voluntary things I've done for school and I'll get the 10 fucking points so I'd be able to apply for the exchange program. I didn't ever really participate in school activities, I have lots of my own, but there are at least 2 things I've done: graphical design for poster of our yearly school celebration and I participated in chess tournament (now call me renaissance person!). I got to do both purely by chance, but seems those 2 little details saved my ass.
Either god is real and trying to give me a sign, or chance is really fucking with me.
Another great thing that happened today is that I (again purely by chance) got to know about a school trip in June to Rome. It wasn't official, only students with subject history of arts were given the opportunity and they had 2 places free, so I asked the profesor, if I can go too. And surprisingly he said I can!
A little piece of paradise; this profesor is known for going to pubs and drinking with students (even the minors - but don't take him as a sicko. He simply trust the students to be grown up enough to know what they're doing. Also the crew of the trip is quite interesting. 8 girls, my gay friend and I. Rock the Vatican, bitches!
And just to top it off - I went to informational meeting for MUN conference today. What is it? It's almost the same like a real UN conference, except students from different schools participate and every school represents certain country on the conference. Just imagine the great opportunity: learn all about some random country (There's 193 countries in UN, we can get ANY country from that) and then, go to Germany for four days, to negotiate the best possible for "your" country. +I'd probably be staying at a partner family's house for these four days and I've always had nice experiences. By definition people who let a stranger to stay at their house, and feed him must be very pleasant and friendly.
Now go read Voltaire's Candide. It's a book from baroque philosopher Voltaire, about life of 2 another philosophers - one of then is optimist ("the god created everything to work out just in the very best possible way") and the other is nihilist ("no matter how hard you try, the devil may always come and destroy all of your work. And the devil is hidden behind everything, almost").
Well yesterday I was the nihilist and today I am the optimist.
It exactly matches.
And the best is - under given situation, both are the most objective views of world, even though they are extreme.
But life has to be extreme, to not be boring, don't you think?
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